Archive for December, 2008

Merry Christmas everyone!


My niece Jamie (shown here in her new hat.  “Shitters full!” LONG story, but if you’ve seen Christmas Vacation, you’ll totally understand!) wants to help me wish all my readers, family and friends a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!  I hope Santa is good to all!

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I don’t know how much of this is true, but I laughed my butt off (wait, nope, its still there) when I read this! With the Christmas holiday just around the corner, I figured we could all use a good laugh. This is an article was supposedly submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all  he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,  although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly  empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on  sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell  those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore  downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go.  you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,  ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I  made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a  standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in  my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.  

Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in  many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination. 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise  came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in  during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled  the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning  my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a  present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She  would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.  

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so  the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the  traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the  moment she walked in the door.

‘What the hell is that?’ she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

‘Who would  play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth  shut.

‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

‘Boy,  that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any  teeth?’

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was  Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,  ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man  with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ‘ Hey, who’s the naked gal  by the fireplace?’ I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes  later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.

Not just  talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made  the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be  killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom  in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed  cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his  pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and  sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and  remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough  examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that  Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder-drug called duct tape, we restored  her to perfect health.

I can’t wait until next Christmas!

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